Marriage

Many Balinese marriages are still prearranged or negotiated, though young men may also "kidnap" their wives, and mixed-caste marriages are increasingly common. Marriage customs differ from caste to caste and village to village, but all Balinese marriage practices share fundamental similarities. There are basically two ways to get married on Bali, 'ngerorod' and 'mapadik'.

Ngerorod
This is marriage by elopement, in which the prearranged honeymoon precedes the wedding ceremony. Since it's otherwise quite expensive to marry on Bali, 'ngerorod' is becoming more and more popular. It has particular appeal to the Balinese sense of theater. Balinese love a spectacular kidnapping in which friends of the suitor capture a woman in the fields, on the road, or down by the river. Theatrics are paramount: she is expected to bite and kick her abductors in mock self-defense.

These days it's more stylish and fashionable for the woman to be whisked away in a hired sedan, and more often than not she goes willingly. The couple then repairs to a friend's house stocked with provisions, offerings, and the bride's wardrobe. The woman's infuriated father sounds the alarm demanding to know what has become of his daughter. A search party is organized which eventually returns unsuccessful and exhausted.

Meanwhile, the couple is consummating the marriage before special offerings (sesayut tabuh rah) have the time to wilt. These offerings alone make the marriage binding by customary law. Emissaries of the groom visit the bride's father to argue the advantages of the union. Begrudgingly, the girl's father gives in, after a suitable bride price has been agreed upon. The groom's father must finance and conduct the marriage ceremony, welcoming the bride as a new daughter into the family. The actual public wedding, within 42 days of the staged kidnapping, is only an official confirmation of their union. They are already married in the eyes of the gods.

Mapadik
This is marriage by consent, in which an upper-class couple conducts a formal courtship. Since daughters were once regarded as property useful for attaining a family's social and political goals, high-caste families tried to wed a son to the daughter of a friend or relative so a blood bond would unite the resources of both families.

Under no circumstances may a woman "marry down," i.e., take a commoner. The preferred marriage is through a parallel patri-cousin, the father's brother's daughter. It has been noted that Triwangsa couples often get along so well because they are all first cousins.

Traditionally, the man or his father journeys three times to the bride's house with food and 'sirih'. When the bride's family visits, the groom's father is obliged to give them food, 'sirih' is chewed (an ancient, ritualistic means of coming to agreement), and presents are exchanged. The groom then regularly visits the home of his prospective bride, presenting gifts and performing services for his future father-in-law.

The groom's family arranges and pays for the wedding; the date set well in advance on a propitious day. Wedding guests are often entertained by professional storytellers and musicians. Enormously detailed rules govern dining and seating arrangements. Sometimes the bride's family is not even invited.

The actual ceremony varies. It could be very simple and short, presided over by a common temple 'pemangku', or it may be elaborate, expensive, and go on all day. Both the bride and groom dress in bright 'songket', with brocades of gold thread, and the woman's hair is decorated with glittering gold flowers.

Usually the bride and groom offer food to one another, then simulate such domestic duties such as washing, cooking rice, and cutting bamboo. Prayers are intoned, and then the couple eats together in public, feeding each other. This is an important symbolic act, as in former times only married men and women were allowed to eat food together in public. The priest then performs a ritual purification and blesses the couple. Neither rice nor flowers are thrown. Today there could very well be a Western-style buffet reception held afterward where speeches are offered by members of the two families.

Married life
After the wedding, the new bride leaves her old ties behind and formally becomes a member of the husband's kin group and caste, serving the new family's gods. The couple resides in the house of the husband's parents for the first few years; relations with her own family may be severed.

The wife owns all her clothes, jewelry, household utensils, pigs, and chickens, and often has her own income from the sale of market goods. Inheritance is invariably passed along the male line; the man owns the house, the rice fields, the cattle, and his tools, and is in charge of handling the money.

Polygamy amongst the aristocracy was once widespread but is now quite rare. At one time the wife of a prince could hold varying levels of status in a 'puri', depending upon her caste and whether she ranked as first, second, third, or fourth wife. The prince usually did not even appear at his wedding ceremony with a low-caste bride; she was ceremonially married to his 'kris', or a tree.

A man may be awarded a divorce by the village authorities if his wife is lazy, quarrelsome, adulterous, or sterile, while a woman may divorce her husband by simply leaving his home if he is cruel, under an occult power, or impotent.